This is 46

If you had told me on my 45th birthday that I would be a cancer survivor by my 46th birthday, I probably would have told you to f$&@ off. Why the hell would I get cancer?  

And then of course I got cancer. But even then I would have told you that cancer wasn’t going to affect my life. I was just going to get through my treatment and get on with my life. (This is the part where God laughs in my face.)

So here I am, a 46 year old cancer survivor. I am also a daughter, a stepmother, a cat mom, a cousin, a niece, a friend, a coworker, a boss, an employee. This year has taught me the true value of those roles and the relationships they represent. I didn’t want to lose my identity to cancer and now I see that was never really a possibility. Now I know that “cancer survivor” means I did something that was really hard, that I am capable of doing things that are really hard, and I’m happy to add that role to my list.   


It’s hard to get a good picture with this hairdo. My eyes and my teeth look huge, my neck looks scrawny and you can’t really see the way my hair sticks straight up on top (or how much I love the fact that my hair sticks straight up on top). The camera doesn’t capture the softness I see in my face…the serenity…the strength. 

Fate whispers to the warrior “You cannot withstand the storm.” And the warrior whispers back “I am the storm.”

This quote was a mantra that helped me get through chemotherapy. Now it is just a quiet knowledge in my heart. Now my life resets, and I love a good reset. I relish the opportunity to think about and choose the things I want to spend my time doing. This is 46. And I love it. 

This entry was posted in blessings, Breast cancer, Chemotherapy, family, friends, Healing, life. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to This is 46

  1. So thankful that you made it through! You are one courageous lady!

  2. Nora Jenn says:

    Nikki, I admire your strength!! I too am a cancer survivor – in fact I found out about my uterine cancer on my 47th birthday. I had surgery 10 days prior to Brian and Toni’s wedding and had to borrow a girdle to hold in my tummy that day. I was told my treatment was going to be 28 radiation treatments since it was Stage 4 & had gotten into my lymph system. Thru the grace of God and the prayers and help from family and friends who drove me to Spokane and back daily for the 28 treatments – I am still here. Cancer is scary – cancer is rough – and cancer is survivable!! Love you Nikki!!!

  3. Melissa Devin says:

    I missed wishing you a happy birthday! I celebrate the week, I hope you do the year! 🙂 Happy birthday beautiful lady!


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